heart to heart with myself

This is a long post and I have not proofed it but if you are a close friend or family please read to the end. I just sat down and started typing whatever I was thinking.

This whole year at church we have been focusing on putting God first. Not just saying it but truly putting Him in the #1 spot and making all decisions for our life based on that fact. Jim (our preacher) has taken us through several series on putting God first in our time, our finances, and other areas. The past three weeks have been on putting God first in our families and it really has my attention. The other series have hit home too, but this one is really speaking to me. For the past couple of months I have been praying about how to change my attitude about parenting. I have always been concerned about what other people think about me. I have tried very hard to diminish that part of me, and to only care about what God thinks. I go through times when I do really good with it and times when it is pretty bad. For about 6 months now, I have really been consumed with what I think other people are thinking about me, my kids, my parenting, etc. It has truly made me a pretty ineffective parent. So when Jim started preaching on families I was excited and then when I heard last weeks sermon it really felt like God was talking to me personally. He addressed so much of what I needed to hear to snap me out of the hole that Satan has had me in. Our class this morning also talked about being your child's primary spiritual "coach" so I am processing a lot right now.
Part of what really woke me up was when Jim asked us if we would be ok if our kids had the same kind of faith that we have, no more no less. Overwhelmingly I want my kids to have more! He then talked about how our kids will only put God first in their lives if they see us putting Him first in our own lives. Now this is not a new concept to me but I was amazed at how much I HAVEN'T thought about it. I majored in child development and I know how kids essentially mimic their parents on a lot of things, but I think that my major has helped make me very prideful and also judgemental (more to myself than others) It has given me all of these standards that I feel like I have to achieve with my kids and if I am not meeting them, but other parents around me are, then I really start attacking myself. (are you starting to get the picture of where I have been) When I started thinking about the question Jim asked it took me down a really long line of questions. It ultimately ended with How did I get to this point? When did I stop trusting God and using his standards of love as my reference instead of a twisted self pious view. I felt like I already had all of the answers, I didn't need help, I just needed to do more or be more on top of things... This thinking has actually taken me to a place of extreme lonliness and self hatred, becuase I am by far not perfect and I do need help but I even alienated most of my friends so I could just stay at home and focus on me and my kids. My thinking literally has been that I needed to get my kids to a place where their behavior and manners and potty training allowed me to take two "angels" into public. I never wanted anyone to think that my kids were being bad because to me that translated to "bad parent!"and as you can hear I have been very focused on ME.
So you can see that my parenting switched from "what is best for my kids and what can I do to foster their love for God" to "what can I do to make my kids at least appear to be well behaved at all times and never make mom look bad". Since that is truly impossible I have constantly felt like a terrible parent.
So I have prayed all week about how and where I can start over with my kids. I feel like God is telling me to start in the little things. Jim talked about having teachable moments in every day and our class today focused on the D6 ministry which is from Deutronomy 6 and they talk about using any of our everyday moments for God moments.
I don't have all the answers but Jon and I are working on a new parenting plan that we feel is much more worthy of our precious children that God has entrusted us to take care of. I already feel a huge weight as been lifted off of my shoulders. God has the reigns again.
To my friends: I am so sorry for pulling away. I have often disguised it as "being busy" or out of town but the truth is, I have been stuck in my own head and felt so much pressure to be perfect that I convinced myself that none of you really needed me. I also felt like you were all thinking that I really needed to do better because my kids were ...fill in the blank... I really don't know what I was comparing but I never added up so I just tried to avoid everyone as much as possible. That is changing!
To my family: I am so sorry for always talking like I know everything. I don't! I need your support to be the best mother for my children, so if I have made you feel like I didn't want to hear what you had to say, I am truly truly sorry. If I have made it sound like I am anything less than grateful for my precious babies I am sorry.
Please be in prayer with me that we can all be the parents that God has called us to be but especially for me that I can keep the lies that Satan has been feeding me completely out of my head.
Dear Father,
I am so sorry for the way I have acted. I love you and I want my children to know that! I want my children to learn to love you because it is what they saw in their mommy and daddy. Please continue to bless Jim and his family and to speak through him. Lord I pray that we can all keep You first. In Jesus Name, Amen