This is a long post and I have not proofed it but if you are a close friend or family please read to the end. I just sat down and started typing whatever I was thinking.
This whole year at church we have been focusing on putting God first. Not just saying it but truly putting Him in the #1 spot and making all decisions for our life based on that fact. Jim (our preacher) has taken us through several series on putting God first in our time, our finances, and other areas. The past three weeks have been on putting God first in our families and it really has my attention. The other series have hit home too, but this one is really speaking to me. For the past couple of months I have been praying about how to change my attitude about parenting. I have always been concerned about what other people think about me. I have tried very hard to diminish that part of me, and to only care about what God thinks. I go through times when I do really good with it and times when it is pretty bad. For about 6 months now, I have really been consumed with what I think other people are thinking about me, my kids, my parenting, etc. It has truly made me a pretty ineffective parent. So when Jim started preaching on families I was excited and then when I heard last weeks sermon it really felt like God was talking to me personally. He addressed so much of what I needed to hear to snap me out of the hole that Satan has had me in. Our class this morning also talked about being your child's primary spiritual "coach" so I am processing a lot right now.
Part of what really woke me up was when Jim asked us if we would be ok if our kids had the same kind of faith that we have, no more no less. Overwhelmingly I want my kids to have more! He then talked about how our kids will only put God first in their lives if they see us putting Him first in our own lives. Now this is not a new concept to me but I was amazed at how much I HAVEN'T thought about it. I majored in child development and I know how kids essentially mimic their parents on a lot of things, but I think that my major has helped make me very prideful and also judgemental (more to myself than others) It has given me all of these standards that I feel like I have to achieve with my kids and if I am not meeting them, but other parents around me are, then I really start attacking myself. (are you starting to get the picture of where I have been) When I started thinking about the question Jim asked it took me down a really long line of questions. It ultimately ended with How did I get to this point? When did I stop trusting God and using his standards of love as my reference instead of a twisted self pious view. I felt like I already had all of the answers, I didn't need help, I just needed to do more or be more on top of things... This thinking has actually taken me to a place of extreme lonliness and self hatred, becuase I am by far not perfect and I do need help but I even alienated most of my friends so I could just stay at home and focus on me and my kids. My thinking literally has been that I needed to get my kids to a place where their behavior and manners and potty training allowed me to take two "angels" into public. I never wanted anyone to think that my kids were being bad because to me that translated to "bad parent!"and as you can hear I have been very focused on ME.
So you can see that my parenting switched from "what is best for my kids and what can I do to foster their love for God" to "what can I do to make my kids at least appear to be well behaved at all times and never make mom look bad". Since that is truly impossible I have constantly felt like a terrible parent.
So I have prayed all week about how and where I can start over with my kids. I feel like God is telling me to start in the little things. Jim talked about having teachable moments in every day and our class today focused on the D6 ministry which is from Deutronomy 6 and they talk about using any of our everyday moments for God moments.
I don't have all the answers but Jon and I are working on a new parenting plan that we feel is much more worthy of our precious children that God has entrusted us to take care of. I already feel a huge weight as been lifted off of my shoulders. God has the reigns again.
To my friends: I am so sorry for pulling away. I have often disguised it as "being busy" or out of town but the truth is, I have been stuck in my own head and felt so much pressure to be perfect that I convinced myself that none of you really needed me. I also felt like you were all thinking that I really needed to do better because my kids were ...fill in the blank... I really don't know what I was comparing but I never added up so I just tried to avoid everyone as much as possible. That is changing!
To my family: I am so sorry for always talking like I know everything. I don't! I need your support to be the best mother for my children, so if I have made you feel like I didn't want to hear what you had to say, I am truly truly sorry. If I have made it sound like I am anything less than grateful for my precious babies I am sorry.
Please be in prayer with me that we can all be the parents that God has called us to be but especially for me that I can keep the lies that Satan has been feeding me completely out of my head.
Dear Father,
I am so sorry for the way I have acted. I love you and I want my children to know that! I want my children to learn to love you because it is what they saw in their mommy and daddy. Please continue to bless Jim and his family and to speak through him. Lord I pray that we can all keep You first. In Jesus Name, Amen
May 31, 2009
May 21, 2009
Overdose
Yesterday was the scariest day as a mother I have ever experienced.
David was running a fever still so I got the children's motrin and poured his medicine. He was standing next to me in the kitchen so I turned and told him to drink his medicine. He said "no medicine" and ran away from me down the hall. I chased after him, caught up, gave him the medicine, and came back down the hall. When I turned the corner to go to the kitchen, I see Alex. She has climbed up the back of the couch, onto the counter, scooted to the end, and is drinking the Motrin I had left sitting on the counter. I could not believe what I was seeing! I ran over and took the bottle away. She cried because she was very proud that she had been able to get to the "medsin" as she calls it. I knew the bottle had been half full since I just poured some for David. It was now almost empty. I frantically looked around for signs that she had spilled it on the floor, the counter, or her clothes. But there wasn't a drop anywhere else and I could smell the bumble gum flavor on her breath.
911!! That is all I could think. So I picked up the phone and called them. The operator answers I tell her what happened and she immediately dispatches MedStar to my house. Then she tells me not to put her down because she may start seizing or violently vomiting so she doesn't need to be where she could hit her head. That is when I lost it and started bawling.
15 minutes later a fire truck, ambulance, and policeman all arrive at my house. That made for 10 paramedics and 1 police officer piled into my living room checking Alex's vitals. David just stood there staring at them. While some of them were checking her, the other ones were examining the bottle and trying to determine how many ounces she ingested. We decided she drank about 1 1/2 oz. which is 13 times her actual dosage. All of the firemen left about this point so there were just 4 paramedics and the officer left. They called poison control and they were told that she would have to ingest 3 oz. or more for it to be toxic, she would probably just vomit and have diarrhea. The lady at Poison control told them to tell me to call PC first if this happens again instead of calling all the paramedics out. Thanks for making me feel even better about the situation woman! The paramedics left and told me to call my doctor and make sure she didn't need to be examined.
After everyone left Jon came in and then Peggy got there about 5 minutes later. I finally got my dr. and she said I needed to take her to the ER at Cook's immediately and get blood drawn to make sure she hadn't ingested enough to affect her organs. I explained what pc had said but she insisted I go anyway. Peggy and I loaded Alex into the car and took her downtown. They got us right in but I kept having to explain what had happened. I felt like everyone was thinking "why would you keep meds where your kids could reach them" and the last nurse who saw us and released us actually told me to try to keep those things up higher or something. I wanted to hit him!! Really? I already felt terrible that I didn't just screw the lid back on right after I poured David's medicine and now people are talking to me like I am an inept mother. Anyways, the ER dr. felt like blood work was not needed and that pc was exactly right. Alex could have ingested twice the amount she did before needing medical attention.
She never reacted to it at all. She hasn't thrown up or anything and only took a short nap yesterday so it didn't even make her drowsy.
So everything was ok, but I have never felt fear in the way I did yesterday before the paramedics got there.
Here are a couple of pics of her in the hospital gown.
David was running a fever still so I got the children's motrin and poured his medicine. He was standing next to me in the kitchen so I turned and told him to drink his medicine. He said "no medicine" and ran away from me down the hall. I chased after him, caught up, gave him the medicine, and came back down the hall. When I turned the corner to go to the kitchen, I see Alex. She has climbed up the back of the couch, onto the counter, scooted to the end, and is drinking the Motrin I had left sitting on the counter. I could not believe what I was seeing! I ran over and took the bottle away. She cried because she was very proud that she had been able to get to the "medsin" as she calls it. I knew the bottle had been half full since I just poured some for David. It was now almost empty. I frantically looked around for signs that she had spilled it on the floor, the counter, or her clothes. But there wasn't a drop anywhere else and I could smell the bumble gum flavor on her breath.
911!! That is all I could think. So I picked up the phone and called them. The operator answers I tell her what happened and she immediately dispatches MedStar to my house. Then she tells me not to put her down because she may start seizing or violently vomiting so she doesn't need to be where she could hit her head. That is when I lost it and started bawling.
15 minutes later a fire truck, ambulance, and policeman all arrive at my house. That made for 10 paramedics and 1 police officer piled into my living room checking Alex's vitals. David just stood there staring at them. While some of them were checking her, the other ones were examining the bottle and trying to determine how many ounces she ingested. We decided she drank about 1 1/2 oz. which is 13 times her actual dosage. All of the firemen left about this point so there were just 4 paramedics and the officer left. They called poison control and they were told that she would have to ingest 3 oz. or more for it to be toxic, she would probably just vomit and have diarrhea. The lady at Poison control told them to tell me to call PC first if this happens again instead of calling all the paramedics out. Thanks for making me feel even better about the situation woman! The paramedics left and told me to call my doctor and make sure she didn't need to be examined.
After everyone left Jon came in and then Peggy got there about 5 minutes later. I finally got my dr. and she said I needed to take her to the ER at Cook's immediately and get blood drawn to make sure she hadn't ingested enough to affect her organs. I explained what pc had said but she insisted I go anyway. Peggy and I loaded Alex into the car and took her downtown. They got us right in but I kept having to explain what had happened. I felt like everyone was thinking "why would you keep meds where your kids could reach them" and the last nurse who saw us and released us actually told me to try to keep those things up higher or something. I wanted to hit him!! Really? I already felt terrible that I didn't just screw the lid back on right after I poured David's medicine and now people are talking to me like I am an inept mother. Anyways, the ER dr. felt like blood work was not needed and that pc was exactly right. Alex could have ingested twice the amount she did before needing medical attention.
She never reacted to it at all. She hasn't thrown up or anything and only took a short nap yesterday so it didn't even make her drowsy.
So everything was ok, but I have never felt fear in the way I did yesterday before the paramedics got there.
Here are a couple of pics of her in the hospital gown.
May 19, 2009
A new nephew and more doctors
Last Tuesday (I can't believe it has been a week) Katie called and said she was having lots of contractions. She was timing them and they were consistently under 10 minutes apart for about 2 1/2 hours so we were SO excited and rushed up to the hospital. They checked her in and labor pretty much stopped but they kept her overnight and early Wed. morning started inducing her. She went through the whole day and finally around 7:30 pm she started pushing. She ended up pushing for two straight hours but Ayden Thomas finally made his appearance! Katie did AMAZING and she, Ayden, and Phillip are all home and fine. It was very exciting getting to watch the labor process from the perspective of not being in labor. I will forever feel a special bond with Ayden because of it.
We came home on Thursday and went to small group. Then friday morning Alex woke up very congested, with a cough and runny nose. She had been off of her second round of antibiotics for 3 days at this point. Then on Satruday she woke up from her nap running a fever again. So Jon and David went to church on Sunday morning and I stayed with Alex. By the time Jon came home David was starting to cough. He went to bed fine that night but woke up around 1:30am crying. When I went to check on him he was just sitting there shaking. So I went to check his temp and it was 102. We stayed up until the meds brought it down and went back to bed. Then Alex woke up screaming and I went in to check on her and her fever had gone up again as well. So we all went to the doctor yesterday. Peggy met me there and I am so thankful because they were a handful! They just have a fever virus and David has an ear infection as well. But we talked about why they continue getting sick so much. They are not in daycare so my doctor is a little concerned. We are going back in two weeks and if they are both well, she will order lab work. This is going to check their immuno globulin A and their white blood cell count and make sure that everything is normal. I know I shouldn't worry, but I am having a hard time not worrying about this. Since yesterday afternoon I have caught myself playing the "what if" game in my head. What if their white blood cell levels are too high and we have to check for leukemia or what if they have to have IV's hooked up to them to pump IGA in to their little bodies? I want to stop but I just keep going there. I know this will probably be nothing, and we just had a hard winter but being a mom just really amps up my worry meter! Please keep my David and Alex and their tests in your prayers. I will write an update about it all once we get the lab results in a few weeks.
I left my camera in Plano so I don't have very many pictures to share but I do have a couple of precious little Ayden. Blessings!
We came home on Thursday and went to small group. Then friday morning Alex woke up very congested, with a cough and runny nose. She had been off of her second round of antibiotics for 3 days at this point. Then on Satruday she woke up from her nap running a fever again. So Jon and David went to church on Sunday morning and I stayed with Alex. By the time Jon came home David was starting to cough. He went to bed fine that night but woke up around 1:30am crying. When I went to check on him he was just sitting there shaking. So I went to check his temp and it was 102. We stayed up until the meds brought it down and went back to bed. Then Alex woke up screaming and I went in to check on her and her fever had gone up again as well. So we all went to the doctor yesterday. Peggy met me there and I am so thankful because they were a handful! They just have a fever virus and David has an ear infection as well. But we talked about why they continue getting sick so much. They are not in daycare so my doctor is a little concerned. We are going back in two weeks and if they are both well, she will order lab work. This is going to check their immuno globulin A and their white blood cell count and make sure that everything is normal. I know I shouldn't worry, but I am having a hard time not worrying about this. Since yesterday afternoon I have caught myself playing the "what if" game in my head. What if their white blood cell levels are too high and we have to check for leukemia or what if they have to have IV's hooked up to them to pump IGA in to their little bodies? I want to stop but I just keep going there. I know this will probably be nothing, and we just had a hard winter but being a mom just really amps up my worry meter! Please keep my David and Alex and their tests in your prayers. I will write an update about it all once we get the lab results in a few weeks.
I left my camera in Plano so I don't have very many pictures to share but I do have a couple of precious little Ayden. Blessings!
May 3, 2009
Sad Visit to the Doctor
Alex started running fever again on Friday following it up with lots of congested coughing. Since she just got over the flu and strep I called and they wanted me to bring her in. When we arrived they checked us in and then handed me a mask to put on Alex. I figured I would try it once but if she kept pulling it off I wasn't going to fight her. She didn't try to take it off at all. She just sat there with her bottom lip quivering and tears streaming down her face without making a single sound. It was really sad! I wanted to take it off of her but they said she HAD to keep it on the entire visit. She had a sinus infection so no swine flu, and as we were leaving I took the mask off and threw it away, then Alex said "Thank you mommy I wuv eww" I guess she thought she was being punished, which made me even more sad! David is now running a fever and has a very croop like cough so I get to take him and try to keep the mask on his face tomorrow. I have a feeling he will not just leave it on the way Alex did.
I took a couple of shots of her in the mask to share how pathetic it was with everyone.
I took a couple of shots of her in the mask to share how pathetic it was with everyone.
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